After many years of secret diplomacy, the details of the Deal of the Century are finally ready to be revealed. I have seen it myself, and it is truly historic. It should be called the Deal of the Millennium, for it will make peace for literally thousands of years. Jews all over the world will love it.
Here are the key points:
1) There is no “two-state solution”. Israel will remain under permanent Jewish control, and our enemies both inside and outside the land have agreed to this. There will be no further wars to try to wrest away the land, no further diplomatic attempts to undermine Jewish sovereignty, and no more claims of historical or current ownership. It’s ours. Israel will never again need to engage in ludicrous debates about its “right to exist”, nor its “right to defend itself”, as no other nation does. There will no longer be any need to defend itself, either.
Surely you are thinking this is impossible, and that there is no way this could be guaranteed. You’re also convinced that the “painful concessions” Israel would be asked to make for this empty hope would be suicidal. Your skepticism is understandable, but this time it’s really different.
You see, the nations of the world have come to realize that Israel is here to stay whether they like it or not, and that the time of the ultimate redemption is imminent. It is inevitable, and they are powerless to prevent it. So now they want to get the best deal possible, and they are willing to give the Jews everything they have been asking for since they returned to the land: peace, security, stability.
We only have to agree to a few small things in return, and I’m sure you will laugh at how trivial they are. Before we get to those, the Deal of the Century gets even better.
2) Jews will be allowed to live anywhere in the world they desire, and will be free from any and all persecution. No more random beatings and murders, no more swastikas on shuls, no more vandalism in cemeteries. No more anti-Semitism, period.
The Jews in Europe will be free to put mezuzas back outside their front doors, to leave their homes dressed obviously as Jews, to go to shul without fear of being lynched outside or besieged inside. The Jews in America will no longer need police protection outside their shuls and institutions, the Jews in Brooklyn will no longer be randomly assaulted in the street, and the percentage of hate crimes with Jewish victims will drop from “the vast majority” (especially when adjusted for percentage of the overall population) to zero.
Jews will even be welcome to live in Arab countries without any fear or persecution. The Arabs will no longer accuse Jewish residents of spying for Israel, the Europeans will no longer accuse the Jews of trying to take over the world, and the Americans will no longer accuse the Jews of “dual loyalty” or having too much money or influence. We as Jews will no longer need to wonder just how much money and influence are reasonable for us to have, and will no longer need to worry about becoming too “visible” in society.
Mind you, Jews in Arab lands might still get stuck in crossfire between warring Arab factions. It is unreasonable to expect Arabs to make peace with each other just because they are making peace with the Jews. Arabs have to be angry at something and someone at all times, after all – they invented the Day of Rage – but they will no longer direct their innate fury at Jews or use Jews as an excuse when they engage in the inevitable violent protests against other nations due to some insult or injustice. We’re finally patur from them.
Similarly, Jews might still be victims of random crimes wherever they might live. The point is that they will no longer be targeted by anyone, anywhere in the world specifically because they are Jewish. So, for example, the Jews in South Africa and South America will still need 24-hour security to protect them from thieves and kidnappers, but they will be able to remain in their luxurious home prisons without ever experiencing anti-Semitism. They will truly be like any other citizen wherever they choose to live, which is what Jews have always wanted, anyway.
This brings us to the next part of the Deal of the Century. To achieve this utopian existence, which would be far better than anything Jews have ever experienced over thousands of years, and far better than anything they would dare dream of even today, we only have to agree to the following:
3) Jews who do not live in Israel must renounce the option to make aliya. This sounds terrible, but it’s really not a big deal. The overwhelming majority of Jews who do not live in Israel have no intention of ever making aliya anyway and the main – really, only – reason they would make aliya would be due to anti-Semitic persecution. Since that will never again be an issue, there’s no reason to keep this option on the table even in a theoretical sense. You already have a better life in the Diaspora, and now it will be guaranteed.
All you have to do is stop pretending you want to make aliya “someday, God willing”, as if He were preventing you from going. No more “next year in Jerusalem” nonsense. Next year in Cancun!
Visits to Israel and the ever-important gap year for students will still be permitted. In addition, special permits will even be issued for Jews to move to Israel for family or job considerations. In essence, nothing will really change from the current reality. Those who don’t want to make aliya anyway simply have to make it official.
4) The Deal of the Century recognizes that some “population transfer” will be necessary. The small number of Jews still in the Diaspora who truly wish to live in Israel no matter what, but have not yet been able to finalize the move, will be granted a one-time exemption to make aliya. This is truly a small number of people, maybe a few hundred at most after those moving due to anti-Semitism no longer need to do so.
Conversely, many Jews in Israel wouldn’t consider it fair that Diaspora Jews should be allowed to enjoy a utopian existence while they are forced to remain in Israel with its higher cost of living and the responsibility of running a Jewish state. No worries. Any Jew who wishes to leave Israel is welcomed and encouraged to settle elsewhere in the gentile nation of his choice. He will be fully entitled to live as a Jew – complete with shul, yeshiva, mikva, kosher food, no religious discrimination whatsoever – or to live not as a Jew and do like the gentiles around him.
Why remain in a Jewish state where you have to argue and fight with your fellow Jews over every issue great and small? Come to the Diaspora, where you can live in paradise, observe Judaism however you want, leave it completely if you desire, and have a higher standard of living among truly cultured people.
Again, now that existential threats to the Jewish people are no longer an issue, there is no reason for anyone to choose to remain in Israel outside of hard-core religious people. If that’s your thing, no problem! If not, and if you don’t care to have them as your neighbors, there is a large, wonderful world out there waiting for you.
5) Finally, the small number of Jews who choose to remain in Israel must renounce plans to rebuild the Beit Hamikdash and create a Jewish state that revolves around Torah law. Again, this sounds onerous at first, but the truth is that of the tiny percentage of hard-core religious Jews who want to live in Israel no matter what, only a tiny percentage of them really want to start sacrificing animals, dealing with ritual impurity, have rabbinical courts mete out corporal and capital punishments for Biblical crimes we would rather ignore or even celebrate, and in general deal with the intricate responsibilities of running a modern society based on ancient laws and faith in God.
That’s not what they came back to Israel for. They came back here to live as Jews, to worship as Jews, to study Torah and do mitzvos in the Jewish land. That’s what they are doing, and it’s beautiful! All they have to do is agree not to actively strive for more. In all honesty, how many of us are actively striving for more anyway? So it’s simply a matter of making it official.
That’s the Deal of the Century, folks. The nations of the world have unanimously agreed to it, and I think we should too. It gives us everything we truly want, and all we have to do is officially renounce a few small things that we’ve lived without and can be very happy living without for thousands of years more. Peace and prosperity await us like never before.