`289 Israeli Government: Sorry About That
Chananya Weissman

October 17, 2023


This comes from the Slimes of Israel: “Miki Zohar, the Likud's culture and sports minister [of all people] issued an apology on behalf of the government to the residents of the southern communities slaughtered by Hamas on Saturday and to those who paid the ultimate price.

“The preparations were not in place for an attack like this…. The government, the state, was not ready for an attack like this,” Zohar says on Army Radio.“In the name of the government of Israel, and in the name of the whole State of Israel, we ask your forgiveness for what happened. Because the responsibility is on the government of Israel and the whole State of Israel.”

That's right, folks, they're sorry. Mistakes were made. Sorry we let you down. Let's move on now.

Since Mr. Zohar and his colleagues are clearly too distraught to get into the details of their little boo-boo — after all, our pain is their pain, plus they are also busy saving the planet with Klaus and company — allow me to issue a more detailed apology on behalf of the apologists:

Dear people who were slaughtered,

We're sorry we (officially) were caught totally by surprise. Although this attack was planned for many months, and we have some of the best intelligence in the world, they sure fooled us, and you paid the ultimate price. Whoops.

We're sorry we ignored warnings from top foreign officials in the days leading up to the attack. We thought they were kidding, and we didn't want to scare anyone. It's not like this was a new strain of flu they were raising the alarm about.

We're sorry we ignored warnings from soldiers stationed at the border that Hamas was training in plain sight for just this sort of invasion. We thought they were bluffing, or getting in some exercise, or just enjoying some paragliding in the sun. Did you ever go paragliding? It seems really fun.

We're sorry we removed the surveillance balloons from the border. In hindsight that was pretty dumb, but who could have known?

We're sorry we cleaned out the armories from the border communities, leaving them unable to defend themselves. But look on the bright side. At least the guns weren't stolen by terrorists. And guns are really unsafe; you might have had an accident. So it's a wash.

We're sorry you got incinerated by thermobaric weapons, and shot, and beheaded, and raped to death, and then had your dead bodies looted, while the skies were clear and you were stranded for around eight hours. That is completely unacceptable, and we are working hard to make sure the world condemns it in the strongest of terms.

We're sorry they took so many videos of it without your consent and posted them all over social media. That must be really embarrassing. We're urging everyone not to watch these videos, because they are extremely upsetting, and if too many people get extremely upset it would endanger our ability to keep endangering you.

We're sorry we didn't send out a single helicopter to mow down the executioners. We still haven't come up with a good excuse for that one, but we said we're sorry, so don't be a jerk about it.

Look, this is a hard time for all of us. This is not the time to ask questions. The time to ask questions is when we say so. At that time, we will appoint people to ask questions and we will help them draw the right conclusions, and we will promise to do better, and that will be the end of it.

Asking questions now will hurt morale, especially the morale of people who are trying to protect you who didn't protect you when you were being slaughtered, and that would make you a threat to the state, and then an apology from you wouldn't be enough.

So, please, in the name of the State of Israel, we're sorry. Now get lost.


The Government


PS: Since many people don't trust us, we're working on making it illegal not to trust us (see here). Specifically, if you accuse us of letting this happen on purpose, we'll lock you up and take away your stuff. This isn't like all those threats we made against the people who incinerated you, beheaded you, and kidnapped you. This time we mean it.

To keep all of us safe.



Download Tovim Ha-Shenayim as a PDF for free!

If you want to receive future articles directly, please send a request to endthemadness@gmail.com.