2020 The 12 Steps of Shidduchim
Chananya Weissman
June 10, 2020

Step 1: Denial

The shidduch world is tough for some people, but I'll be fine. Finding someone to marry shouldn't be complicated. I have a lot to offer. I'll go out on some dates, meet someone great, and get married quickly. I know how to play the game and people will look out for me. It won't take long.

Step 2: Shock

Am I really going to have to sign up for these dating sites? And join the shidduch groups? What am I supposed to say on my profile? This is humiliating! I can't believe I'm doing this!

Step 3: Hope

Everyone does it. It's not such a big deal. That's the way it's done nowadays. Look, it worked for that couple, I even know them. There are thousands of singles here. I'll be swamped with great opportunities in no time. I'll find someone great, get married, and get out of here.

Step 4: Anger

I hate this! I've gone through the entire database, wasted months on this, and for nothing. Nothing! Either they don't respond, or they waste my time, or they're way off base, or there's something seriously wrong with them. The offers I get make no sense, and the people I'm willing to meet don't want to give it a try. Now it's just the same profiles over again. How is this possible?!

Step 5: Bargaining

I'll be more flexible. I'll expand the search to people outside my immediate area, a bit older or younger than ideal, a slightly different hashkafa. Now there will be a lot of possibilities.

Step 6: Depression

It's just more of the same. I lowered my standards and still have nothing to show for it. Now I've really been through the entire database, and there's literally no one here for me. I humiliated myself for nothing. I got my hopes up for nothing. I tried for nothing. I was flexible for nothing. The ladies in the shidduch group don't even contact me anymore. They gave up on me. They don't want to waste more of their time on me. They moved on to other singles.

Step 7: Testing

I'll give it one more month, and that's it. I'll cancel my accounts on the dating sites and leave the shidduch groups.

Step 8: Despair

Enough! I'm out! I gave it every chance. I'm one of those pathetic older singles. Maybe I'll never get married. I tried everything and nothing worked. I'll never find someone good for me. It's hopeless.

Step 9: Guilt

I messed up my whole life. I don't even know how I messed it up, but here I am. Everyone else got married except for me and some losers. I must be a loser.

Step 10: Acceptance

I'm a good person and my life has value. If God wants me to get married, He will help me find the right person. If not, I will make the most of it. I really tried. It just didn't work for me, and I have to move on.

Step 11: Resolve

I have to try again. I owe it to myself. I'll sign up again for the dating sites and rejoin the shidduch groups. New people have joined since I left. Maybe the person I'm looking for is one of them. I only need one.

Step 12:

Repeat the previous steps.