2020 Shidduch Resume Chaperone Service
Chananya Weissman

May 18, 2020

The Holy Smoke Shidduch Group has announced a new chaperone service to make your shidduch resume rise to the top of the pile. We all know how hard it is to create a shidduch resume with just the right touch. One wrong word can be the difference between landing a top tier shidduch and being labeled as “undesirable”.

The Holy Smoke Shidduch Group is here to help you get the VIP treatment you deserve, even if you don't deserve it. Our dedicated experts will make you stand out and fit in without raising any red flags – essential for getting a shidduch your friends will admire and envy.

Our new chaperone service offers the following features:

Buzzword Blastoff

Make your resume give the right impression without saying too much. We've hired marketing professionals and political spin doctors to pepper your profile with jargon, platitudes, and mumbo jumbo that make you sound fabulous yet endearingly humble. Best of all, we'll make it vague enough that no one can pin you down on details. No substance, no problem!

Best Friends Forever

No longer will you need to write “I would describe myself as...” followed by a series of flattering remarks about yourself. Our studies have shown that no one finds this believable. Not only that, but too much patting yourself on the back doesn't look good, and too little comes across as meek and boring. You can't win.

But now you can. Our BFF service will allow you to write “My friends would describe me as...” followed by the most outrageous compliments. Even if your friends wouldn't say those things about you, even if you don't have any friends at all, we've got your back. We'll say whatever you would want us to say about you, or whatever you want to say about yourself without coming across as bragging. Writing that your friends said it makes you appear wonderful and humble at the same time, and now you no longer have to pretend.

(Disclaimer: our BFF service is only valid for the duration of your paid membership. The “forever” is just a figure of speech.)

Pay Dirt

This feature alone makes the entire program a great investment.

You deserve financial security and a comfortable lifestyle, but being up front about monetary expectations has gotten a bad rap. Our pay dirt professionals will take the grub out of money grubbing. We'll craft a profile that makes it clear what you expect in a most respectable way. We have many ways of stating that you want someone with a high income, an impressive career, and total stability without making you sound like an entitled, materialistic, superficial gold digger. Let our experts choose the subtle phraseology that is just right for you.

Resume Table-Turner

Describing yourself – or even letting a “friend” describe you – is a minefield. Instead of raising eyebrows with bold claims or selling yourself short, we'll help you turn the tables on those reading your profile! Our experts will provide a lengthy and impressive description of what your “ideal partner” brings to the table, giving the impression that you only expect this because you're all that and so much more.

It's like going to interview at a top company and switching seats with the interviewer! Tell them what you expect from your dream employer, without having to explain why they would want you. We'll help you seize the leverage without playing your cards. No cards? We won't tell.

Surrogate references

When those great shidduch offers come pouring in, you're going to need references who don't blow it for you. Even the best references slip up, and no one has unlimited time to sing your praises to those who come calling. No one, that is, except our Holy Smoke surrogate references!

Our surrogate references will answer the phone for you 24/6 and will always hit the right note. We've hired the best customer service professionals and sales agents in India and the Philippines to serve and sell YOU. Our team has been expertly trained to play the Rabbi, Rebbetzin, seminary teacher, employer, or friend – all in American, Israeli, or Yiddish accents.

No one ever has to meet or vet a reference – it's all make-believe anyway. So let our surrogate references make them believe with this groundbreaking worry-free service.

The Holy Smoke Shidduch Chaperone Service is endorsed by leading Rabbonim. Sign up today and rise to the top of the pile!