2020 Purim News
Chananya Weissman
The Jewish Press, Purim Edition, March 12, 2020

Apple Launches Rage App

A new app is all the rage in the Arab world, having been downloaded more than ten million times in just two days since being launched. Dubbed the Rage App, this program alerts users when a Day of Rage is declared, and provides reminders and updates as the day approaches.

“This is tremendous,” said one resident of Gaza, who asked to remain anonymous. “It became impossible for me to keep up with all the Days of Rage. This app will make sure I never miss another appointment due to a conflict (no pun intended). For example, my son asked me to take him to a soccer match next Tuesday, and I was quickly able to check that we were already scheduled to fly into a spontaneous rage and riot. Thanks, Rage App!”

The app also organizes Days of Rage based on category, so users can easily keep track of the Days of Rage that apply to them. Categories include:

  • Israel took military action against the resistance
  • A Hamas freedom fighter was martyred in the struggle for the liberation of Palestine
  • America intimated that Jews have any claim to any part of Palestine
  • Jews built a home, road, tunnel, train, wall, fence, birdhouse, outhouse, or any other structure in the occupied territories
  • Jews demolished anything built by an Arab
  • Someone drew a picture of Mohammed
  • Someone insulted Islam
  • People are starving because all the money is used for killing Jews or pocketed by our leaders
  • General rage

A spokesman for Apple shared that the company is also working on two additional apps designed for the Arab world. One is an app for women called the Pallywood App, which will cause crocodiles to flash across the user’s screen whenever the media is around. This will alert women to put on their best mourning face and wail about the brutal oppression of the Zionists.

The other app is designed for children and will be called the Candy App. This one will show a baby with sidelocks and a hooked nose lying dead while an Arab child stands with a bloody knife over the body. Children will thereby be alerted that candy is being passed out to celebrate this triumph of good over evil.

When asked what new apps Apple has in store for Israelis, the spokesman said they are working on programs to help Jews keep track of prayer times, Torah studies, and opportunities to perform kind acts for those in their vicinity.

Arab leaders later released a statement that a Day of Rage was being declared to protest Apple creating an app to support the occupiers. Thankfully, the Rage App arrived just in time.

Scott Boras to represent Lakewood boys in shidduchim

Major League Baseball super-agent Scott Boras announced that after the upcoming Elul Zman he will begin representing boys from Lakewood in the free agent shidduch market. Boras is famed for creating multimedia presentations to highlight a player’s value, as well as employing razor sharp negotiating tactics. His methods have consistently procured record deals for baseball stars and made him both feared and respected by players and teams alike.

Now he is bringing these skills to the shidduch world, and boys are lining up with hopes of securing Boras‘s representation.

“It makes perfect sense,” said one mother, who claims that her son is the best boy in Lakewood. “Athletes have agents. Movie stars have agents. Why not my son, the talmid chacham and future Gadol?”

“The negotiation process has gotten out of control,” said another mother, who said her son is also the best boy in Lakewood. “We get offers right and left, and it’s impossible to keep track of everything. It’s also difficult for even the most on-the-ball mother to stay on top of the going rates. An agent will fight for us, and will know when to push for a better deal and when to sign the contract.”

Boras released a statement that he will initially work only with the best boy in Lakewood, which limits him to a client list of about a hundred boys. He is also working on a price guide to help all parties begin negotiations at a reasonable point. Values for boys will be determined based on shiur level, reputation for shteiging, brilliance, height, yichus, thickness of glasses, and several other factors. Parents of girls will be able to submit offers based on lump sums of money, years of support, free apartment, future position as Rosh Yeshiva, and future position in a lucrative, cushy job.

Boras also indicated that in the future he hopes to represent girls as well. While the boys will pay an agent fee of 2% of the value of the contract, girls will have to pay a fixed amount in the five figures, to be determined. The No-See Foundation is also negotiating with Boras to supplement this fee for every girl he marries off over the age of 22.

The entry of agents to the shidduch world is sure to be a home run for everyone.