2019 If Shidduch Profiles Were Honest
Chananya Weissman
Aug 23, 2019, The Times of Israel

Note: These shidduch profiles have not been shared with the consent of the singles, but our intentions are to get them married and get paid, for the sake of Heaven, and therefore anything goes.  If you have a suggestion for them, please contact us. 

Ė The Holy Smoke Shidduch Group

Name: Ploni

Age: 32

Education: Graduated from a yeshiva high school with an impressive sounding mission statement that stresses ďexcellenceĒ. Made honor roll despite lacking basic Hebrew literacy. Went to a top yeshiva in Israel for Jewish rehabilitation and spent most of the year enjoying trips, experimenting with different combinations of alcohol and chemical substances, and hanging out. Started wearing a white shirt around Pesach to demonstrate I was frumming out, and spent more time learning. Graduated a top college with an impressive sounding major even though I learned nothing practical for life as an adult. Never got caught cheating.

Occupation: Various dead-end jobs with fancy titles to make them sound impressive (social media guru, etc.). Eventually my father pulled some strings to get me a job that I didnít deserve. Spend most of the day surfing the Internet or goofing off, but do the minimum to appear productive. My main job skill is learning to develop relationships with the right people so they will pull strings for me and give me opportunities that I am not qualified for and did not earn. My career aspiration is to get paid a lot of money while other people do the real work, and to be in a position where people come to me to pull strings for them.

Description: I am very fun and generous with my friends, but a self-centered jerk if I donít think I can potentially use you for something. I donít care about anyone elseís problems, but I will pretend to be interested on social media. I donít enjoy learning Torah or davening, but Iím willing to show up often enough to keep appearances. I want a woman who is on the same level and will not push me or herself to grow, because itís annoying and will interfere with what I really want out of life Ė a big house, expensive vacations, and recognition. Any chessed we decide to do must be broadcast as widely as possible so it pays for itself in other ways. Willing to join a kollel for up to two years, show up occasionally, shmooze with my friends, and even learn a shtikel Torah if the girlís father writes the checks and she doesnít get on my case. Iím not a particularly caring and sensitive person, but I expect the opposite in a partner. I believe all disagreements can be solved with compromises Ė the other person compromising for me.

Looking for: Total devotion without getting on my nerves. A woman who can make my life easier but handle her own problems. She should be knowledgeable about how to run a Jewish home but not pushy. Someone who can fulfill my fantasies but is also innocent and pure. She should have successful parents who are looking for a son-in-law to bring into the company, but will have a hands-off approach. Does not want to live in Israel and will not bring it up, ever. This is a starting point. Obviously looking for much more.

References: They donít know any of the above, and even if they did, they wouldnít tell you. If you happen to find out anything dark or frightening about me, they will downplay it, maybe even put a positive spin on it. I donít know how to really care about anyone, but they will tell you how much I care about everyone. Their job is to convince you that I will be a great husband and father, even though they have no way to know that, no reason to assume that, and will bear none of the consequences if I turn out to be a monster. But you should totally trust them, because they are on this piece of paper, and they presumably have nothing to gain by misleading you, either.

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Name: Plonis

Age: 36 (three years ago)

Picture attached: Please note this is the single most attractive moment in my entire life. This is not what you will see when you meet me. In real life I am forced to move and cannot constantly maintain just the right pose, in just the right outfit, in just the right lighting, with just the right angle, with a professional photographer, accentuated by the latest software. However, I have spent an enormous amount of time posing and preening for pictures, so I may resemble this look at times. This picture is not exactly current, to put it mildly, but I think I can still get away with it long enough to make you fall for me and not care that Iíve aged considerably. Because Iím awesome and everyone says so.

Education: Attended the best seminaries with an emphasis on how to obsess over how well I fit in and stand out. Every institution I ever attended and all my summer jobs were chosen precisely for how they would look on this profile. I spent my entire formative years gathering entries and crafting an image for this single sheet of paper, and I expect it to pay off. I also learned Hilchos Shabbos, so you donít have to, and my seminary teachers talked a lot about hashkafa, which I believe refers entirely to outward appearances and labels. I obsess over these things, and even though I never studied Jewish philosophy or developed a personal philosophy that is more than skin-deep, I talk like I am a hashkafa maven. I expect you to find this impressive and intimidating at the same time.

Description: I want to have a home that is filled with Torah and Chessed. Well, not completely filled, since I need time for life, my friends, my goals, and my personal space, which is more time than I have even without you in my life. So Iíd like my home to be just full enough of Torah and Chessed that I receive approval from my peers. No Tzaddikim need apply.

I post pictures of myself on social media so people can call me beautiful and sexy. I really like when they do that, but if a guy I am dating admires my appearance I will dump him for being a shallow creep. I expect him to notice my appearance but to pretend he doesnít, except not completely. If this doesnít make sense to a guy, he is not for me. Iím a woman. Iím not supposed to make sense. Thatís what society has taught me, and I buy into it completely. Men are supposed to find that cute and let me get away with it forever.

I am a friendly and outgoing person with many friends in real life and not in real life. My social life and virtual persona are both extremely important to me, and I donít plan on compromising either of them for some man who expects me to serve him.

I do not return phone calls or messages, and I am usually too busy to meet for a date. Sometimes I take off weeks at a time for work, vacation, or just because I need a ďbreakĒ from dating. Iím not just sitting around waiting for some man to marry me, after all. I have a full life as it is, and I expect a man to chase me even before I give him a reason to beyond the fact that I exist and Iím awesome. Everyone says so, even though Iím really just another girl, and I play the part.

I view marriage as having my life exactly the way it is as an independent single woman, only with a man around to upgrade the quality of that life. I am not interested in being a housewife or a helpmate. I have a graduate degree and I know hashkafa! Iím better than that!

Even though I believe I donít really need a man for anything and all women are superwomen, I tend to have meltdowns under stress, sometimes over trivial things, and I expect a man to take charge and save the day in those situations. Then I go back to being a superwoman. In essence, I view a husband as a Hatzala guy to be around immediately when needed and invisible when not.

I had my heart broken when I was much younger, and since then I no longer make myself emotionally vulnerable or even crack a smile until I am absolutely sure I found my soul mate. I expect my soul mate to intuit this and to keep on giving and giving and giving until I am ready to crack that smile. Itís one of the many subtle tests I put my dates through in order to judge if they are marriage material, and until all these tests are passed I keep a poker face. I am entirely confident in my ability to judge people simply because I am a woman, even though the men I have been most attracted to were jerks and I quickly rejected men who were sweet, kind, and treated me the best.

I do not thank a man for traveling to meet me or spending money on me. Itís his responsibility.

Looking for: All I want is a mentch who makes time to learn Torah, but also works.

Just kidding! If thatís all I wanted I would have married any number of people in the twenty years since I started dating.

Because it is so hard to find a good man, and I have to protect myself from wasting time or being hurt, I have established numerous requirements and expectations that must be met before I will grant someone the privilege of taking me out. Even though I have the best Middos (everyone says so) I will be cold and even rude to any man that I donít immediately think can be my soul mate, because I have to make sure he doesnít think he has a shot or even deserves one.

What I really want is someone with a great education and an impressive career, with enormous earning potential that has already started to blossom. Someone that will impress my friends and even make them jealous. He should be well-versed in Torah and secular subjects, on top of current events, sophisticated in the arts and culture, well-traveled, creative, passionate, athletic, work out at least twice a week, drive a nice car, enjoy fine dining but also love to cook, and come from a warm, accepting family. He should be a go-getter with a fire to get ahead, but also modest and kind with exemplary Middos. Middos are the most important thing! He should be extremely family-oriented and always have time for the kids, and for dates with just the two of us. No baggage whatsoever please! I should not have to accept a blemished man, but my soul mate will always be supportive and encouraging toward me.

Needless to say, he must also be substantially taller than I am so I can look up to him. Otherwise I will look down on him.

I expect this man to not only exist, but to still be single, sifting through shidduch profiles, and to be smitten with me. What I offer this man in return is the privilege to share his life and his substantial earnings with me so we can have amazing times together and build a Torah home.

References: People who will tell you how sweet and kind I am, even though I am only sweet and kind to my friends and teachers, not to men I am dating. They will also tell you what a great girl I am, even though the achievements that make me a ďgreat girlĒ have nothing to do with being a great wife or a great mother, neither of which are part of my nature or nurture.